So, okay. First of all, warning. There might be a little bit of "complaining" in the follwing text and yeah...it's written in English. I seem to find myself in these "situations" alot lately. These situations where I'm still on vacation. Just that I'm back in Sweden for this lovely vacation and that I'm actually heading back home soon, to.. the country I actually lived in a few months ago. The only thing is, I'm not. I'm still here. Still stuck in Sweden.
I don't regret the fact that I chose to go home. That was a desicion that I made all by myself. But I can't deny the fact that it's so damn hard to try to live on with the life that you actually took a break from. I took a year of from my "swedish" life and it's not that easy everytime to be able to face the fact that I'm already back, living it again. I was so comfortable with my "new" life that I kind of forgot my "old" one. It's complicated and it's making me dizzy, too.
The reason for why I'm struggling another night feeling like this, is because of the knowledge that my host kids, my 4 year old and my 7 year old, that I love more then anything else in the world, will tomorrow get a new "me". Will they forget me? Can they forget me? Are they getting a new Rebecki? Just that she will be "Patriciii" and she will not teach the kids how to say "I love you" in swedish, but in...whatever language they're speaking in Austria. It hurts. It hurts so bad to know that I'm not able to be there for the kids whenever they need me, whenever they need to talk or when they're sad. It's frustrating not being able to be there to see the kids grow. To see my baby Eli start kindergarden. Or to see Charlotte develope her math skills, writing skills and so on. It makes me more sad knowing that I can't go to the kids anymore to ask for a hug or a kiss when I feel lonely or sad. Because, getting a hug or being able to hear a child telling you how much they love you, is better then getting a hug from anyone. It's hard for everyone to understand and I know it might sound a little corky, but I'm pretty sure that everyone that spent a time in their life being overseas, spending time with a new family, meeting new friends, feeling lonely in a country that's not yours, not being able to turn to your friends or family from back home, can relate when I say that sometimes, your host kids where the only people you felt like you could talk to. And that means alot.
So, tonight I'm swalloing my tears and I'm looking forward instead, knowing that I will be hugging, kissing, being able to tell them how much I love them, in the upcoming summer.
Im working. Im saving. Im going to america.
